Meet my grandmother. At the age of twelve, I moved in with her(a long story that I'm not sharing at this time). I did not go to church very often... until I moved in with Mamaw. She took me to church EVERY Sunday. Every Sunday until I was about fifteen or sixteen, and I basically just wouldn't go. She tried very hard to lead me (and sometimes drag me) to Jesus. There were times when I could really feel the Holy Spirit pulling at my heart and knew she was really praying hard for me. I was not very receptive to any of this. I enjoyed going to church, but I just didn't know what I believed. I also felt I would be a hypocrite because I was a sinner.
I did many things in my late teens and early twenties of which I am not proud. I conceived my first child out of wedlock. I divorced twice. I had an affair with a married man. That is just the short list of my sins. Like I said, NOT proud... but confession is good for the soul.
I started getting my act together in my late twenties. I was in the teacher education program at MSU-M, and I felt I needed to conduct myself in a way that I would be a positive role model for my students and for my own children. I realized I was setting a poor example for my kids.
My grandmother never really gave up on me. She didn't push me as hard, but I knew she prayed for me constantly. Where she left of with me, she picked up with my kids. My son gave his heart to Christ when he was nine or ten. My kids tried to get me to go to church with them all of the time.
I guess I need to back up a little and let you know that after both of my divorces, I moved back in with my grandmother. So my kids went to church with her more regularly than I did at that early age.
Anyway, my kids asked me to go to church, and my grandmother prayed for me. I really wasn't feeling it though. By the time I turned thirty, I had straightened out my act. I wasn't holding out because I was basking in sin and didn't want to change. I had already changed a lot. I just wasn't comfortable. I guess I was at the stage where I felt like I wasn't worthy. I also didn't have a home church. My grandmother's church didn't have a pastor, and while I visited other churches, I just didn't feel at home.
I graduated from MSU-M in May of 2010, and that same month I started dating Lester. He wasn't a bad guy, but he didn't go to church either. That didn't make it any easier. I loved him quickly, but he wasn't always easy to love. I found myself praying more and more often. After two failed marriages, I just didn't want to get hurt again. I really felt that the problem with my first two marriages was that I did what I wanted and not what God wanted me to do. Ever been there? I prayed for God to give me a sign. I even told Him it had to be obvious because I'm hard-headed.
About a year and a half into the relationship, I was about ready to give up. I had gotten a teaching job, and I was about ready to focus on my kids and my career. I was still praying, but without that sign, I was beginning to think the Lord wanted me to move on and leave Lester behind.
My grandmother had started declining in health, and the kids didn't get to go to church as much. They started asking me more often to not just go with them to church, but to take them to church because they missed it. One day, my son asked me about church. I told him I knew we needed to go, but I just wasn't ready. That same day, Lester and his brother were talking, and I heard Lester say, "You know what the problem is? We don't go to church."
I let him finish his conversation, and I told him that the kids really wanted to go to church, and maybe we should take them together. HE AGREED! It took a few weeks, and we didn't go very often, but we went. And I took it as my sign that I was where God wanted me to be.
My grandmother's health continued to decline, and she was soon in hospice care due to melanoma. There wasn't really anything the doctors could do, and at her age, she wasn't really receptive to treatment if it was available.
The house wasn't the same without her in it, and I began praying harder and more often. I was uncertain of a life without her in it. I visited her in the nursing home as often as I could. She had a good disposition and was at peace. She complained that she didn't get enough attention there. She was lonely. She said she was ready to go home. Deep down I knew she wasn't talking about the house I'm sitting in now; she was talking about going home to be with God. She was ready for what her future held, and she was at peace because she knew she had a future - one beyond this mortal life. Jesus' death on the cross and her belief in Him guaranteed her this. I wanted that kind of peace!
Then I got the call from my mother telling me that my grandmother was no longer responsive, had to be put on oxygen, and had a twenty-four hour nurse. I went to the nursing home knowing in my heart that it would be the last time I saw her alive. I have to believe that she heard me when I told her I loved her that one last time.
All the way to Lester's house that evening, I cried. It hurts to remember, but it's difficult to forget. And I don't want to forget. I prayed, and I prayed hard. My grandmother took care of me most of my life. I prayed that she not suffer any longer despite the fact that I didn't want to lose her. She was ready to go home, and if anyone was deserving, she was. In the midst of that prayer, I prayed that Jesus come in to my life, my heart, my soul. December 9, 2011, I finally gave up the fight and gave in to the Holy Spirit. At 1:00 a.m. on December 10, 2011, that same Spirit carried my grandmother home.
I have many regrets in life. I regret my many sins, and I regret that I am still a sinful creature despite my best efforts. I regret that it took me so long to give my life to the One who gave me life. I regret that I wasn't more understanding of her in her old age, or that I didn't do more to help her when she started getting so sick. But I do NOT regret giving my life to Christ like she prayed so hard that I would one day do.
After I gave my life to the Lord, things started falling into place. Lester and I got married, and he got custody of his son. We found a home church. I was finally baptized. Life is not perfect, but I am happier than I have ever been. There are surely bumps in the road that lies ahead, but I know that I can conquer all things through Christ (Phil. 4:13)!
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